I want to share something, because I am sure so many of you can relate. If just one of you reads this and says, “Ok, she is more of a mess than me.”, I will feel so much better… because that may make you feel so much better
Yesterday was a difficult day. I spent at least 50% of it crying.
I don’t want to give the details, because the last thing I would want is to call someone out publicly like this. I will say, in the grand scheme of life and bad things that can happen, this rates at the bottom. Or maybe it is a step above dropping the last piece of that delicious dessert on the ground. Well… MAYBE… (20 second rule!)
Yesterday’s incident was really just one in a series of stumbling blocks I have had with a group that I absolutely adore. I mean, I try to do anything I can to help this group. Yesterday, though, I was faced with the reality that my relationship with some of them was not what I thought.
I am sure they see the incident as just a mistake. I am sure that is really what it boils down to… however… the way it was all handled signaled a relationship that was different than I thought.
I felt so disrespected, and slighted… my heart broke a bit and I’m left with the aftermath.
I want to try to make this make sense without details.
Ok, let’s try this. I was spilling all of this to a friend yesterday, and someone walked by that we both know. My friend stopped our story and said, I paraphrasing a bit here: “I don’t think people know how sensitive she is. I don’t think they know her feelings can get hurt. She holds her emotions close.”
I agreed. I told my friend that I think that is why this person and I get along.
Later, I thought about that moment. It took me back to May, when I was saying goodbye to a person who worked with the above-mentioned group. She had played a prank on me that made me laugh so hard, I was crying. I was so moved by the prank, because when my family was new to our town, I felt so intimidated by her. Now, I had a good relationship with her… one that made her feel comfortable enough to prank me.
I told her this, as I was laugh-crying… and she was shocked. She responded, and I’m paraphrasing again because my memory stinks: “I am so surprised by that. You always seem so strong and confident.” I told her that is even funnier than the prank.
But, seriously, she is correct.
One of my jobs, given to me by me, is to not make other people’s lives difficult. In fact, I want to work each day to make their lives easier. If I shared my hurt feelings with others, I would make life more difficult for them. I know exactly why I do it, but do we really need to psycho-analyze me more than I’m already doing? Let’s save that for another day.
My entire point is, some people are confident and feel really good in their skin. Other people just act like it.
If you just act like it, one consequence is going to be that other people have no idea they are hurting you. They can’t guess that your being hurt if you act like you are strong and confident on the outside.
I am still working through yesterday, and tears keep coming to the edge of my eyeballs. However, today, I am sharing with you, because I would like to believe there are many of you who spend your days putting on a brave face.
While I work on my thin-skin-hidden-behind-fake-armor, I also want to figure out a way of remembering it isn’t always because of me that something happens.
I’m sure it’s not always because of you that things happen to you. Yes, sometimes it’s our fault. We can own up to those, and we should… every time. However, when it’s not, we need to remind ourselves that it is not.
Haha! That reminds me of something I also said yesterday, but about a completely different subject: “I can preach it, but I can’t practice it.” So, yeah, this isn’t easy.
I’ll leave you with a direct quote from a friend who reached out to help me yesterday.
I hope this helps you, if you need it.
I can say with certainty this is not paraphrased, because she sent it in the form of a text:
“Obviously, this is more about them than you. If there is anything that can give you a little peace, maybe it’s that.”